This eliminates confusion when it comes time to unlock it because the key is labeled 'Weiser'.
This is a picture of the lock and both 'Weiser' keys on my key ring.

So, evidently, the lock wasn't even frozen the other day.
I was just too dumb enough at that ungodly hour to use the right key.
Anyway, tonight I was able to get into the shed and locate the jumper cables.
Is it some divine joke that they were on the same shelf as the lock de-icer which, as it turns out, would have only frustrated me more anyway?
I feel like breaking that window now just so I can be in on the joke on my own terms.
I got the car moved.
Here's a picture of what it did to the lawn when I moved it.

Kia Rios suck.
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